


Washing Of The Water

by mlleflo



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:21:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28651179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlleflo/pseuds/mlleflo
Summary: What now? We all knew this moment was coming, but what happens after? None of us is leaving. We’re still here, waiting. We keep waiting because that’s what we did for days now, but what are we waiting for? Nothing. It happened, but we’re still here, still waiting. Now we’re crying, all of us. Some of us have been crying before that. All of us are crying now.  It’s over. Justin is…What happens between Justin's death and his funeral.
Comments: 30
Kudos: 26





	1. Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yeah_dis_kai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeah_dis_kai/gifts), [Jack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jack/gifts), [JDubReaderWriter55](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JDubReaderWriter55/gifts), [kelsokruczysnki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelsokruczysnki/gifts), [closetfascination](https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetfascination/gifts), [alimabean (N1che)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1che/gifts), [Aut189](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aut189/gifts), [Chiaa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiaa/gifts).



**JESSICA**

I don’t even know how long I’ve been siting here. I left the room and just decided not to come back. Because I don’t want it to happen. I don’t to believe it can happen… It’s going to happen. It is.

What am I doing here ? Waiting for someone to tell us it’s done, it’s over ? I don’t want to know. I don’t want it to happen. I can’t stop it. I can’t do anything except wait for this moment I don’t want to come.

I need to leave. I need not to be here. It can’t happen.

I get up from my chair, ready to leave this place. A hand stops me. Alex.

I can’t stop. I can’t stay. I can’t breathe. I shake my head, hoping he’ll let me go. He does.

I walk towards the exit. I have to keep myself from running out of this hospital. I walk out. I stop. It’s dark outside. It’s dark everywhere.

Maybe I shouldn’t stop walking. Maybe I could keep walking and leave. Leave this town, leave this place and never come back. Never hear those words. Never know it’s over. It could work. I run away, leave everything behind and I’ll just never know.

**ALEX**

I let her go. Alone. She doesn’t want me with her. I look up at the people around me in the waiting room.

Zach looks at me. He seems mad. Maybe he doesn’t like the fact I let her leave. Maybe he’s mad at her for doing so. Maybe he doesn’t want me here. A few days ago I told him I didn’t like Justin.

Does it make me a hypocrite? Being there and sad? Being sad he’s going to die? How many times did I wish it could happen before?

It’s not hypocrite if it’s real. I am sad. Everyone is.

I feel Charlie’s head move on my shoulder. He wakes up. I shake my head, let him know it’s not over yet. He doesn’t seem relieved.

How can you be? It’s coming anyway. There’s no relief in knowing it just didn’t happen yet.

Every time the door opens, everyone turns their head, sensing it could be it, it could be over. Right now it’s not, just a doctor doing his work.

I get up. It feels like I’ve been siting, waiting, for hours. I have. We all have. I walk up to the window to look outside. Maybe I can see Jess, make sure she’s there, still here. I do. She’s standing outside, just pacing around. Like many of us did these past few days. Like Tony is doing right now. The door opens again.

It’s Clay. I begin to walk towards him. Tony wraps his arms around him.

So that’s it, it’s over? He’s gone?

No one says anything. There’s no need. We all understand.

That’s it. He’s gone.

Clay looks around the room, he’s looking for someone.

“ _She’s...”_

I’m surprised it’s this difficult to say anything.

“ _She’s outside.”_

Clay takes a deep breathe. He knows he’s going to change her whole life.

**CLAY**

I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do anything right now. I’m surprised I made it to the waiting room. Each step is a fight.

I have to. She has to know and I’m the one who has to tell her. She’s outside, so I walk towards the exit.

When the door opens, I prepare myself for the cold air of the night, but I’m numb, too numb to feel it against my skin.

I make a few steps towards her and she raises her hand to stop me.

She doesn’t want to know. She knows.

**JESSICA**

It’s over. The moment I see Clay walking towards me I know it is. He doesn’t say anything and I know it’s over.

I look up at the sky. The moon and stars are still here. Everything above and around me is the same.

The world is the same. My world isn’t.

**CLAY**

She looks at the sky as tears fall on her cheeks. Is she looking for a sign? Is she praying?

I’m not sure there is a God. If there was, Justin would still be alive.

I look up at the sky as well, maybe this will help me make sense of something. It doesn’t.

I walk up to her and she doesn’t stop me.

I have to tell her. It’s the reason I left the room, the reason I left him.

She can’t hear me, she won’t hear me through her sobs and I’m not strong enough to say it, not now, not yet.

I wrap my arms around her.

Maybe she needs it as much as I do right now; touch, contact, warmth… to make me forget Justin’s cold hand in mine just minutes ago.

**JESSICA**

Clay wraps his arms around me. When he lets go of me I see the tears on his cheeks. He’s crying.

Am I crying ? Am I breathing ? Am I still here ?

**CLAY**

“ _I’m so sorry Jess, but we don’t have much time. Once… we only have 15 minutes to say goodbye before… before they take him away. If… if you want to see him… one last time… We… we need to go now.”_

I painfully manage to inform her. Say to her. I don’t think she hears anything anymore.

**JESSICA**

“ _I’m so sorry Jess, but...”_

I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t listen. What is there to hear anyway ?

He takes my hand and pulls me towards the entrance. I follow. I follow him inside.

When we pass through the waiting room, I see my friends crying, some of them holding on to each other. They don’t need to tell me anything. I know it. It’s over.

When I see the door I stop. I can’t. I can’t go inside. Clay doesn’t open it and he turns around to look at me.

“ _You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”_

I remember. I did listen to him. I did hear it. I know what he means. I have to. I have to go inside. I need to.

I see Clay’s face and he’s torn. He wants to go inside, but he wants me to do it too. He knows I need to do it.

There’s not much time. 15 minutes. Maybe 10 now, or 5. I realize I don’t know. I don’t know how long it’s been.

I look at Clay and offer him a nod. There’s no time to loose anymore. Does it matter? Is it really time lost now that…

Clay opens the door.

I hear Lainie’s muffled sobs in Matt’s arms. I see him.

Heart-break. You hear this expression everyday, but you don’t feel it, you don’t understand it… until you see the body of the one you love. His body. Not him anymore. He’s…

I slowly approach the bed and my hand immediately reach for his. It’s cold. I look at it, his hand in mine. He’s not holding me. I don’t feel his fingers intertwined with mine like I used to.

I see a tear falling on top of my hand. My tear. I am crying.

“ _We can… give you a moment.”_

Matt, Lainie and Clay begin to leave the room.

I reach for Clay with my free hand. They’re both free. No one is holding me. I don’t want to be alone in this room.

Clay takes a few steps as I pull him towards me. He places one hand on my back, the other on Justin's hand. We hold on to him and this time I know it. There’s no doubt. I’m crying and I feel it, I hear it, I sense it with my whole body and I feel Clay’s too. He’s crying. I don’t feel Justin’s. He’s…

**ALEX**

What now? We all knew this moment was coming, but what happens after? None of us is leaving. We’re still here, waiting. We keep waiting because that’s what we did for days now, but what are we waiting for? Nothing. It happened, but we’re still here, still waiting.

Now we’re crying, all of us. Some of us have been crying before that. All of us are crying now. It’s over. Justin is…

After we hugged each other we all returned to our seats. Everything changed and nothing has.

“ _They…”_

Zach breaks the silence in the room.

“ _They’re going to say goodbye. We’ll wait for them.”_ He explains.

He’s been through it before. He knows how it works, saying goodbye. He said goodbye to Justin earlier today. I didn’t. I didn’t want to steal anyone’s time with him.

I should have. I’ll never say goodbye. He’s… There’s no time anymore. So we just wait, in silence.

It’s the middle of the night and the hospital is pretty quiet. You can almost hear the sound of the tears falling on everyone’s laps in the waiting room. It makes it even more chilling when we hear it.

Jessica. It’s the first time I hear her voice today. This isn’t her voice, it’s her entire soul. She’s howling, crying, calling his name.

Tony and I share a look and we both feel the need to do something. We get up and walk up to the door, trying to get as close as we can in case we could help.

How? We can’t. We can’t change this.

Through the door, we see it. Doctors are rolling his bed out of the room. Jessica is holding on to him, unable to let go. Matt and Clay are trying to hold her back. Lainie is standing near them, her hand covering her mouth, crying. Her son being taken away from her, his body, and his girlfriend refusing to let him go.

For a second, it’s like I’m watching it from a thousand miles away, like this isn’t happening in front of me.

I feel Tony’s hand on my shoulder. He nods at me and I understand him. We go through the door.

Matt lets go of Jessica and takes his wife in his arms to console her as much as he can. Tony puts a comforting hand on Clay’s shoulder, inviting him to take a step back as well as I takes Jessica’s arm.

All this movement makes her let go of Justin’s hand.

The doctors roll his bed… the bed where his body lies... away. I have to restrain Jessica from pursuing them as she keeps howling his name.

When the bed disappears at the corner of the hallway, she falls to her knees and my body follows her to the ground.

She wails in my arms.

It’s over.


	2. The sound of silence

**JESSICA**

I open my eyes.

I’m in my bed, in my bedroom.

I feel the wetness on my hand.

My tears.

I’m still crying.

It happened.

I sit down on my bed.

It’s over.

How did I get here? I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything since I saw Clay coming outside of the hospital.

I don’t want to remember.

I’m still wearing the clothes I was wearing yesterday.

Yesterday. Has it been a day?

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand how time works anymore.

I don’t understand how life works anymore.

Life and…

**ZACH**

My mom made me go to school today. I had nothing better to do, so here I am, at school.

I pass by his locker.

Everyone knows already.

There’s flowers on the floor.

I don’t stop, I can’t stop.

I keep walking until I reach the library.

I can’t go to class.

When Hannah died, they made an announcement at the beginning of the class.

I can’t hear this one. I don’t want to.

I remember they did an announcement for Bryce as well, through the speakers.

I look at the speaker in the corner of the wall, praying they won’t say anything, praying I won’t have to hear the words.

“ _I didn’t think you would be here.”_ Alex arrives by my side and sits next to me.

I answer with a shrug.

Silence. There’s nothing to say.

“ _I think it’s just you and me today.”_ Alex tells me.

“ _Why are you here?”_ I ask him, knowing his parents didn’t force him to come to school.

“ _My parents are both working. I couldn’t stay by myself, not after last night.”_

“ _How did it go?”_

“ _I drove her home.”_ Alex replies.

**JESSICA**

I stay seated on my bed and I just let the minutes pass. Maybe the hours.

I don’t know.

“ _You’re awake.”_ My mom tells me with a smile as she enters the room.

“ _I can bring your breakfast here if you want.”_ She offers.

My breakfast? I’m not hungry. I’m not… anything.

Empty. I’m… empty.

I shake my head, hoping she’ll get the message and leave.

She doesn’t.

She walks up to my bed and sits at the bottom of it.

“ _How are you feeling?”_ She asks me.

I shrug. I don’t feel anything.

“ _I’m downstairs if you need anything.”_ She tells me before she gets up and leaves.

I don’t need anything. I need…

I lost the one thing I needed.

**ALEX**

I didn’t sleep at all when I came home from the hospital. I dropped off Jessica at home and stayed with her for a while. When it was clear she didn’t want me there I left and went home.

Since then I've just been waiting, again. Based on the look on Zach’s face, he didn’t sleep either. I don’t think anyone could after last night.

“ _Have you heard from Clay?”_ Zach asks me.

I shake my head.

“ _I was thinking of stopping by this afternoon.”_ I tell him.

“ _Then let’s go.”_ Zach says, grabbing his unopened bag from the floor.

“ _Now?”_ I’m surprised he’s in a hurry to do this and… interested to do it at all.

“ _I…_ _I can’t stay here._ ” He tells me.

I understand so I get up and we leave the library together.

**JESSICA**

“ _Hey. I thought you might be hungry.”_

I turn my head to see my dad entering my room. He’s holding a tray with food on it.

Not breakfast. I guess time really flies differently now.

I don’t move. I don’t say anything.

“ _I’ll put it here. You should eat.”_ He says, placing it on my desk.

I don’t think he understand I’m not even sure I can get up anymore. I pray he just leaves.

I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to see anyone or hear anyone.

He does.

I want silence. I want nothing. I just want the world to stop.

Why couldn’t it have stopped yesterday? Everything could have ended here.

Everything did.

**CLAY**

I didn’t sleep in the outhouse. I’m in my old bedroom. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to go back there. Not without him.

There’s a knock on the door.

“ _Hey Clay.”_ Alex greets me.

I wished I put on some clothes instead of being in my pajama, but I don’t think it matters anymore. I’m not sure anything does anymore.

I’m surprised to see Zach behind him.

They awkwardly enter the room and sit on the couch. I almost want to scream at them not to, that it’s Justin’s, but…

“ _How…”_ Zach begins, but he doesn’t ask.

He knows.

“ _Some people put flowers at his locker.”_ Alex tells me.

“ _You went to school?”_ I’m surprised.

I’ll have to go back at some point.

“ _We didn’t stay. It was… just too much.”_ Zach explains and I believe him.

Everything is too much.

“ _Thank you for last night. With Jess. I just… I didn’t know what to do.”_ I offer Alex.

I know it wasn’t easy to handle the situation. It wasn’t easy for anyone.

Well, … it’s not easy.

“ _I wish I could do more. For both of you.”_ Alex responds with a shrug.

“ _Do you need anything?”_ Zach offers.

I shake my head. I need my brother back.

“ _Have you heard from her?”_ I ask Alex.

“ _I don’t know what to say so I didn’t texted or called. I figured I should rather go see her.”_

“ _Thanks for stopping by.”_ I tell them, hoping they would get the message and leave.

“ _Well, just… let us know if you need… anything.”_ Zach tells me.

I nod, thankful he’s trying.

**JESSICA**

“ _You’re not hungry?”_ My mom asks, my dad right behind her.

“ _Jessica. I know how hard it is, but you can’t stay here all day doing nothing. It’s not good for you.”_ My dad tells me, sitting down on my bed.

He’s close, too close and he talks, too much.

It’s too much. Too many people. Too many sounds. Too much life.

I close my eyes and bring my hands to my ears to cover them. I just want silence.

It works. I feel them leaving the room.

I wait a few seconds and I open my eyes again.

My room is empty. I uncover my ears.

Silence.

**ZACH**

After visiting Clay, we just drove around town for hours. Alex suggested to stop by to see Jess and I convinced him we shouldn’t. We should give her some time. To be honest, after last night I’m terrified to be in the same room as her. I never heard something like it, like her screams last night. She’s… she’s heartbroken and there’s nothing we can do about it. So we drove. For hours. We even left Evergreen for a while. We just drove in silence, the sound of the radio filling the car. Sometimes we hummed to the music, but we didn’t talk. There’s nothing to say.

**ALEX**

I drop Zach at home and drive to Jessica’s. I need to see her, just to let her know I’m here if she needs. I’m her best-friend and I can’t just text her. I need to be there. I ring the door-bell and her dad opens the door.

“ _Hello Alex.”_ He greets me with a smile.

“ _Hi. I just wanted to see how she’s doing.”_ I explain, but I don’t really need to.

Greg moves away from the door to let me in.

“ _She’s not doing well.”_ He tells me, which he didn’t really need to.

“ _Should I talk to her?”_ I ask.

“ _She’s not talking. She’s… not doing anything really. She’s been sitting on her bed all day.”_ He explains.

“ _Maybe I should let her know that...”_

“ _She knows, but right now, I think she really needs time.”_ He cuts me off.

“ _Alex. How are you doing?”_ Noelle greets me, arriving down the stairs.

She wraps her arms around me.

I didn’t expect this question. I don’t know how to answer.

How am I doing? Not good.

“ _I’m… I’m fine.”_ I respond with a small smile.

I’m not, but compared to some of my friends, I guess I’m fine.

“ _Did you come here to see Jess?”_ She asks me.

I nod.

“ _She doesn’t want to see anybody. It’s probably just too soon. You can stop by tomorrow and I’ll let her know you came by okay?”_

“ _Okay. Thank you.”_ I respond, walking back to the door.

I close the door behind me.

What am I supposed to do now? I take my phone out to call Charlie. I need to be with him.

Actually I need to be with someone, anyone.

**JESSICA**

My parents went to bed. It’s finally complete silence in the house.

Now I can focus. I can try.

I need to remember.

I try my hardest and it works.

I remember his voice, his words.

I play them over and over in my head.

A smile comes to my face as I can almost hear his voice.

I do it again and again, because I can’t forget.

Because I need him.

Here, now and always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not used to publish only one chapter a week so you'll get another one tomorrow ;)


	3. Never Let Me Go

**CLAY**

I turn my head to the window of my bedroom and see the sun outside.

Another day is beginning.

I didn’t sleep, again.

I let my eyes dart to the couch where Justin used to sleep on. I couldn’t see it in the dark.

Now I do.

I shake my head. This is painful.

Everything is.

All my body is aching, including my heart and my entire soul.

I look up at the poster on the ceiling above my bed. It feels like I’m back to where I was years ago after Hannah’s death. Lying in the same bed, looking at the same poster.

Heart-broken.

Hannah. The tapes. This is where all of this started. Is this how it ends? Really?

Hannah’s words come back to haunt me.

_A rumor based on a kiss ruined a memory that I hoped would be special. In fact… it ruined just about everything._

Did it? Did everything really started here? Or did everything started with those fucking tapes?

As much as I don’t want to think about it, I can’t stop myself.

Why is he dead? Because he run away. Why did he do it? Because of you Hannah. Because you killed yourself and decided to make us all pay for it.

We did.

Justin did.

Are you happy now? You’ve caused just as much pain as you suffered.

There’s a knock on the door.

“ _What?”_ I ask, anger filling my voice.

My parents open the door and enter. They look exhausted. I feel bad.

Bad for being so harsh. Bad for ever bringing Justin into their life.

Maybe Hannah isn’t the reason for their pain. Maybe I am.

I sit on my bed, let my feet reach the floor.

I debate if I should get up. It doesn’t matter.

I don’t.

They sit next to me, one parent each side of me. They want to talk. Something important.

“ _How are you holding up kiddo?”_ My dad asks.

I shrug. I’m not sure I am.

“ _We want to talk to you about the funeral.”_ My mom informs me.

I realize I completely forgot about it. I didn’t think about it, whatever happens next, because I can’t believe there’s going to be an after.

“ _It’s in four days.”_ She adds.

“ _Okay.”_ I don’t know what they expect me to say.

“ _We… we’re trying to organize everything. We think the people who loved him could say a few words.”_ My dad explains.

“ _Okay.”_

“ _Would you like to say a few words?”_ My mom asks.

I chuckle. A few words? What? Why? I have nothing to say… nothing that matters.

“ _I’m fine.”_ I answer, shaking my head.

“ _I have nothing to say.”_ I add.

It’s probably best if I don’t anyway.

“ _I’m sure you have. You knew him well and I know how much...”_ My dad tries to change my mind.

“ _I said no okay?”_ I tell them, angry.

I’m angry. It’s all I feel right now.

“ _Okay.”_ My mom responds. I can see she’s holding back tears.

I’m angry at myself.

“ _Do you know who we could ask?”_ My father asks me.

“ _I don’t fucking care.”_

I’m angry at everyone.

My parents get up. Maybe they understand after all. I have nothing to say, about anything right now.

They leave the room. Now I’m facing his old bed, this old couch. Empty.

I’m angry at the world.

**LAINIE**

I don’t know what to do. I’m an adult. I’m supposed to have the answers, but I don’t. There’s nothing I can do to help my son right now.

There are a million things I could have done to help my son. The one I lost. Because I didn’t. I didn’t do enough. Now there’s nothing to do.

“ _Maybe we could ask his friends.”_ Matt suggest as we go down the stairs.

There is still one thing to do. Plan his funeral.

“ _Who do we ask?”_ I ask him.

I realize I know Clay’s friends. They were Justin’s friends too, but… I don’t know. I guess I never paid enough attention. I should have. I could have saved him.

If it’s about Clay, I know the person I need to call first; Tony. If it’s Justin…

“ _We’ll figure it out okay?”_ Matt reassures me, placing his hand on my back.

I offer him a thankful nod.

Thank god he’s here to help me through it all. He’s always been here. The one person I know I can always rely on.

It hits me.

“ _We should ask Jessica.”_ I suggest.

“ _You’ve seen Clay and… you’ve seen her at the hospital. I’m not sure she’s…”_ Matt doesn’t finish sentence.

I know. I know what he means. I don’t want to ask anything of her, but if we’re looking for someone who loved him…

“ _She loved him.”_ I tell my husband.

“ _She did.”_ He responds. I don’t know if it means he agrees, but I think I should do it.

“ _I’m going to talk to her. Do you want to come with me?”_ I offer.

“ _I think I should stay here with Clay.”_ Matt tells me.

He’s right. We need to pay more attention now. To the one son we have left.

I nod as I grab my bag before leaving the house.

When I arrive in the car I realize it’s the first time I’ve been outside since we left the hospital two days ago. I’m about to turn the key when I see it.

A Monet’s cup in the cup holder.

It brings a smile to my face. Justin used to bring a cup home from work after all his shifts. Sometimes he brought one for me, Matt, or Clay. Clay used to complain about Justin leaving his empty cups in the cars. I grab it.

I recognize his hand-writing on it.

This isn’t Justin’s. It’s mine. “Lainie” in black sharpie, with a heart drawn next to it.

He brought it home for me, with his big heart, always on his sleeve. I remember.

It was a Saturday. He was only working in the morning that day. I was leaving the house to meet a client. I was on the phone with a colleague. I ran into Justin getting out of the car. He offered me a smile. His beautiful smile. When he passed by me, he just handed me the cup, without a word. I took it and continued to walk towards my car. I entered the car, finished my call and took a sip before driving away. A simple interaction. No words.

I wish I could turn back time, tell my colleague I’ll call him back and hung up. Then I could talk to Justin. Ask him how his morning was. What he had planned for the day. If he was happy. If he needed anything.

I can’t.

I put the cup back in the cup-holder and drive off to Jessica’s.

“ _Hi Lainie. Come in.”_ Noelle greets me with a sympathetic smile.

Pity. I hear it to.

I feel it too when she places her arm on my shoulder as we make our way to the kitchen.

“ _Can I offer you anything to drink?”_ She asks me.

I hear it. She’s offering more than a drink. She’s offering help. Pity.

“ _I’m good.”_ I tell her.

She nods, accepting the rejection and sits across me.

“ _Is there anything I can do to help you?”_ This time she’s direct.

Pity. I understand. What else can you give a grieving mother other than pity?

“ _How is Jessica?”_ I ask.

Noelle sighs. Helplessness. I know this feeling too.

“ _Not great.”_ She tells me.

“ _I can tell her you’re here if you want, but… I doubt she’ll come out her room. She’s been there since Alex brought her home.”_ She informs me.

Pity. I feel it for her now.

“ _Matt and I are planning his funeral. We’re looking for people who knew him well and who could speak. Do you think Jessica wants to do it?”_ I ask her.

“ _I don’t know. I have no idea what she wants, but I can ask her.”_

“ _Thank you.”_ I offer, getting up from my ch air.

“ _Just… let me know.”_ I continue.

I turn around, and begin to leave.

“ _Lainie_.” Noelle stops me.

I stop, turn around and look at her.

“ _I’m… really sorry.”_

I nod and continue my way towards the exit. I stopped counting every time I heard those words in the past few days. A lot. What else is there to say?

Once I’m back in the car I can’t help it and my eyes dart to the coffee-cup. This time it doesn’t bring a smile to my face. This time it brings guilt, regret, for the things I could have done, the things I should have done. I breathe slowly, trying to contain myself, refusing to break down, but I remember Clay and how much he needs us right now so I let myself break down. I give myself one minute, just one, to let out all my tears before I go back home.

**TONY**

I’m always here for Clay, whenever he needs.I was there for him for Jeff. I was there for him for Hannah. I’m here now for Justin.

It’s too much. Too much for one school, too much for one class, too much for one boy, too much for my best-friend.

His parents welcome me in the house like I’m going to be able to fix everything, make everything better. I know I can’t. There’s no making it better. You just have to keep going, until you make it to the other side.

His parents tell me he is in his old bedroom.

Relief.

I waited two days because I didn’t want to enter the outhouse. A few months ago we were throwing a party there to welcome him back home. Now he’s never coming back and if I can help it, I’m never going back there either.

Fucking Foley. Making me miss him. I don’t know how this son of a bitch did it, but, fuck, I did end up loving him. We all did. Even Clay. Maybe he’s the one who ended up loving him the most. Now he’s gone. Fucking Foley.

“ _Hey man.”_ I tell my best-friend, entering the room.

“ _Tony.”_ Clay greets me.

I sit on the chair next to his desk.

**CLAY**

Thank god Tony went for the chair. If there’s one person I don’t have any restrain with it’s him and I know I would have yelled at him for daring to sit on the couch, Justin’s couch.

“ _My parents asked me if I wanted to talk. At his funeral.”_

I don’t have much to tell him, so I tell him the only thing that happened to me lately, the only thing I’m okay talking about for now.

“ _I said no. What am I supposed to say?”_ My tone shows my anger.

“ _Whatever you feel I guess.”_ Tony responds.

He always does this. Give these vague answers that don’t help at all. It was the same shit with the tapes.

“ _Really? How do you think I feel?”_

“ _I don’t know. How do you feel?”_ He asks me.

“ _Fuck you Tony.”_

“ _Okay.”_ He responds calmly, nodding.

He understands my anger and it doesn’t faze him. He saw it again and again through the years. He knows what he’s doing and I hate him for this.

I hate him for knowing me that well. Hate him for being there, while Justin isn’t. I hate Justin for not being there.

“ _I don’t want to say anything because I don’t have any fucking idea what to say.”_ I explain.

“ _Your parents offered, but you don’t have to.”_ Tony tells me.

I nod, thankful he understands.

**JESSICA**

_You always have that._

No, no, that’s not it. He said something else after that. He…

The door to my room opens. I close my eyes and take a deep breathe.

I hate whoever it is.

My dad. He sits on my bed.

“ _You’re sure you’re not hungry?”_ He asks, nodding towards a plate he left earlier on my desk.

I shake my head with a reassuring smile. He needs to know I’m fine at some point or he’ll never leave. He needs to believe it at least.

“ _Okay_.” He responds, but he doesn’t leave. He looks at me.

Please stop. Please leave.

Leave. Leave. Leave.

“ _Lainie stop by today.”_ He informs me.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

He clears his throat before his next words. I know it’s important. He always does that.

“ _She wanted to see how you were doing.”_

That’s not all there is. What is it?

Please don’t say it. Stop.

Leave.

“ _She also...”_

He clears his throat again.

Jesus. What is it?

“ _She wanted to know if you want to say a few words at Justin’s… at his funeral.”_

At… his funeral?

Funeral.

Justin’s…

Again. Too much. Too many words. Words too painful maybe. I don’t want to hear them.

I shake my head, again and again.

I don’t use my voice, but my body is clear.

No. No. I won’t do that. I can’t do that.

“ _It’s important to say goodbye. I think it could help you to…”_

Here they are again. My hands back on my ears. To stop the sounds from coming in. To stop the words from entering my brain.

To focus on the ones inside my head.

Goodbye? I already said goodbye.

He said…

_Jess… don’t cry._

It started like this. But…

_Don’t cry._

I’m trying.

_Don’t cry._

I am.

_Jess… don’t cry._

Fuck you Justin! How can you ask that?

You leave and I’m not supposed to cry?

You break my heart and I’m not supposed to hate you?

You...

and all I can do is say goodbye?

_You’re so strong._

I’m not. Not enough for this.

_You always have that._

I don’t. You left. I don’t have that anymore.

_Okay, Jess?_

No. Not okay. I’m not okay.

Don’t do that. Don’t leave. Don’t be… Don’t be gone.


	4. How Could You Leave Us

**ALEX**

Monet’s. People. I found a way not to be alone.

Zach’s here too. We’re together. I don’t think he likes being alone anymore either.

We sit. We wait. In silence.

“ _Lainie called me this morning.”_ Zach breaks it.

“ _She did?”_

“ _Yeah… uhm...”_ He stops. He doesn’t want to break down. He clears his throat.

This is hard.

“ _His funeral is in three days.”_ I tell him.

My dad told me. Lainie called him to let him know this morning. I figure this is what he wants to tell me.

“ _She asked me to speak.”_ He informs me.

“ _Oh.”_

Stupid reaction, but that’s all that comes to me.

I understand that he has nothing more to tell me when the silence is back.

“ _Do you know who else is talking?”_ I ask.

“ _I think Kerba is.”_ He tells me in a shrug.

My phone vibrates on the table. A text, from Charlie.

“ _Charlie is too.”_ I tell Zach after I read the text.

“ _So… Charlie, Kerba… and me.”_ Zach says.

We both know what it means. Neither one of them is speaking. Not Clay. Not Jessica. Not the two people who have the most to say about him.

“ _She doesn’t want to see anybody. Do you think I should just call?”_ I ask Zach, completely lost.

“ _You can try.”_ Zach responds.

I guess it’s all I can really keep doing; to try to be there for her.

I nod as I pick up my phone, ready to call her.

**JESSICA**

My phone rings. I get up to take it from my desk, without even realizing. I unplug the charger and pick it up.

“ _Hey Jess.”_

Alex’s voice brings me back to reality. This new reality.

This fucking reality.

I hang up.

This fucking home screen.

I lock my phone.

This fucking lock screen.

I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom.

This fucking bedroom.

My hands begin to shake. My breathing is getting more and more difficult. I won’t have a fucking panic attack.

I’m so strong, right?

It feels like the walls are closing in on me.

I sit on my bed because I feel weak.

I’m far from strong.

This fucking bear.

I grab it from my bed and throws it in the room, without aiming for anything. It lands on my dressing table.

My eyes land on the postcard.

This fucking postcard.

I don’t know where I get it, but I have enough strength to get up. I take it from my mirror and turn it to read the words on the back.

Those fucking words.

You lied to me. You won’t always love me.

I hate you for making me believe it.

My phone rings again. I grab it and throw it against the doors of this fucking closet. It breaks and lands on the floor.

I hate you for ever loving me.

I hate you for making me fall in love with you like that.

I hate you for coming back just so you could disappear again. Forever.

I tear this fucking postcard in two pieces.

I hate myself as soon as the pieces reach the floor.

I hate my life.

I hate life.

I hate death even more.

I hate this room.

It reminds me of you.

Everything does. And I hate you so I hate this room.

In one motion, I send everything on my desk to the floor.

**ZACH**

“ _Are you sure you want me to come with you?”_ I ask Alex.

Jessica’s mother called him in tears, saying she needed him to come to try to calm Jessica down. I don’t know what it means, but I know I’m not going to be able to help.

“ _Yes. I… I need you okay?”_ Alex tells me. He pleas.

We’re parked outside her house already anyway. How much of a coward would I be if I just hid in the car?

We exit the car. Noelle opens the door, still in tears.

“ _I can’t help her._ _Greg’s at work and..._ _”_ She tells us.

She doesn’t explain, but we hear the noises coming from upstairs.

We make it upstairs when we hear a thud coming from her bedroom.

I stop walking, afraid of what’s happening. Alex doesn’t hesitate. He opens the door to Jessica’s bedroom.

“ _Jess!”_ He yells. The noise immediately stops.

I make a few steps to reach the room.

Jessica stands in the middle of her bedroom and it’s completely ravaged. She looks at us, blankly, for less than a second, then she’s back at it. She destroys everything she gets her hands on.

“ _Jess! Please. Stop!”_ Alex orders, walking up to her.

She throws the book she’s holding to the mirror which shatters upon impact.

Alex tries to take her arm to prevent any more damage, but she manages to free herself with a sharp movement.

“ _Why are you doing this?”_ He asks, his voice loud.

She looks around, probably trying to find the next thing she can destroy, for sure avoiding our stares. There’s not much left to choose from.

“ _Talk to us. How can we help?”_ He offers.

She looks at us and I can see it. The pain, the hurt in her eyes. Deep, harsh, brutal. Overwhelming.

Her next move is too.

Painful, brutal, harsh.

She doesn’t find anything to take out her anger on, so she turns it towards Alex. She pushes him away. Once. He doesn’t recoil.

“ _I’m not leaving you like this.”_ He tells her, determined.

She doesn’t want him here so she pushes him away again, with a little more force. He retreats half a step back.

When she tries again, Alex is prepared and he grabs her hands with his, holding on tightly, refusing to let her push him away anymore.

I see the anger on her face. She’s angry at him for being there, still.

She’s angry at Justin for being gone, forever.

She struggles with all her rage, but she has no strength left, so Alex manages to wrap his arms around her. He holds her tightly.

“ _I’m not leaving Jess.”_ He whispers against her ear when her entire body stops fighting.

He left. That’s the problem.

I realize I haven’t done anything. I haven’t moved. I haven’t said anything.

I leave.

Helpless.

I run to the car outside.

He fucking left.

I let my anger out on the steering wheel.

My anger at myself, for not doing anything, for being a coward.

My anger at you Justin. You fucking left.

Punching it once, twice, again and again… until I feel better… for a few seconds… until I break down in tears.

**ALEX**

I manage to take her to her bed. I hold on to her and we just sit in this fucking silence I hate more than anything. After about an hour, I realize she’s asleep in my arms. I gently lie her down. I stay seated on her bed next to her as I look at the damage she’s done. I see the post-card on the floor. I get up from the bed and pick it up. I turn it around and read the words. His words. Fucking Justin. She would have done anything for you. She would have gave up everything for you. Why did you have to gave up on her? Let her down one last time? My eyes land back on her. Still asleep. I debate if I should stay, but I know there’s not much I can do. I also hate this silence. I need to escape it.

I put the picture in the pocket of my jacket and I leave, making sure to tell Noelle she’s asleep and okay for now. Once outside, I’m surprised to see Zach’s car still here.

“ _You’re still here?”_ I ask him.

“ _What happened?”_ He asks in return.

“ _She calmed down and fell asleep.”_

**ZACH**

I can see Alex is upset. I see the tears in his eyes and hear the trembling in his voice.

“ _It wasn’t about you.”_ I tell him.

He looks at me, waiting for more.

“ _She’s not mad at you.”_

“ _It felt like it.”_

“ _She’s not.”_ I reassure him.

“ _Why wouldn’t she? I never liked him and now that he’s gone I just... show up?”_

“ _You know Jess doesn’t hate you for this.”_

“ _So what is it about?”_

“ _You’re here for her. You come back. Again and again. Justin won’t and she… she wants him back.”_

“ _So there’s nothing I can do to help?”_

“ _No and it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up for it.”_

“ _Why… why did you leave?”_

“ _Because there’s nothing I can do to help.”_ I admit, my voice cracking.

“ _Do you beat yourself up over it?”_

“ _Over what?”_

“ _Justin.”_ He lets out.

I take a second before I answer. I need one.

“ _He was my best friend. He came back from rehab in December and I realized…”_

I need more than one second.

“… _I didn’t ask him once if he was okay.”_ I reveal.

Alex looks at me with sadness and pity. He has nothing to say. Because I fucked up. I know it and there’s no changing it. He knows it too.

“ _I have no fucking clue what I’m going to say at his funeral.”_ I admit.

“ _Have you thought about it?”_

“ _Yeah and frankly right now… It’s either a speech of how bad of a friend I am or… how bad of a friend he is… for… for just leaving us.”_

“ _I could write a speech about that. Both of those things.”_ Alex tells me, shaking his head.

I don’t know why, but it makes me laugh. Alex is clearly surprised, but he joins me as he erupts into laughter as well. We laugh for a full minute, not really knowing why we even are.

“ _Fucking Justin.”_ Alex says, shaking his head when he calms down _._

I nod as tears pearl in the corner of my eyes.

“ _Fucking Justin.”_ I agree, letting them fall on my cheek.

**JESSICA**

_Jess… I don’t feel…_

A loud thump.

I wake up with a start, sitting on my bed, breathing heavily, gasping for air. I have been having this dream for over a week. Every-time I fall asleep. Prom. The moment my whole world was slipped from under my feet.

I look around me and I remember. I remember what happened, what I did. My room is a mess. I remember the post-card. Why did I have to tear it apart? It’s the…

I realize. It’s one of the only few things I have left from you. I can’t loose it. I get up to search for it. My hands begin to shake when I can’t find it. It’s dark outside, but I notice some things have been cleaned up a little. What if my parents threw it away? It’s just a piece of paper after all right? Does it matter? Am I really crying over a fucking piece of paper? It’s not… you.

I managed to loose you too.

It’s probably pretty late and I don’t want to wake my parents up. I don’t want to risk them trying to talk to me again.

So I’ll wait. Once tomorrow comes, I’ll look for it.

I sit on my bed and wipe my tears.

I can’t stay here anymore.

I get up, walk down the stairs and leave.

Maybe this time I won’t stop walking.

Maybe this time I’ll leave before it’s too late.

I shake my head.

It’s too late already.


	5. Just Come Home

**JESSICA**

I walk. I keep walking.

“ _How far do you think you’ll get?”_

I ignore him.

“ _Do you even have any idea where you’re going?”_

I don’t. I just… needed to get out of my house. I don’t know where I’m going or even where I am.

I think I’ve reached the limit of tears you can cry in a day.

I’m not crying anymore, just… walking.

“ _A trip down memory-lane?”_

I know where I am actually. I’m starting to recognize the street. The houses.

“ _Boy, did we have fucking great parties in here.”_

The house.

I stop walking to look at it.

It’s still dark everywhere, including in this house. Streets are empty, people are asleep in their beds and here I am. Alone in front of this house.

Well… almost alone.

“ _You know you really fucked shit up that night.”_

I finally look at him, shaking my head at his comment.

“ _You just had to open your mouth. I bet you regret that now. Everything you said.”_

I don’t. I’m glad the truth got out.

“ _You do. If you don’t push him to tell you the truth, nothing changes. We keep living our fucking lives. All of us.”_

I keep walking, trying to get as far away from him as I can.

“ _Stay silent if you want. I know what you think.”_

Walking faster won’t change anything. He’s here with me, following me, everywhere.

**ALEX**

I stayed with Zach and Charlie until pretty late in the night.

When I come home, my mom is in the kitchen, drinking some tea. She does this when she gets home this late after work. I’m about to apologize for getting home this late, but she shakes her head and offers me a warm smile.

“ _It’s okay Alex. Where were you?”_

“ _At Charlie’s with Zach.”_ I tell her, kinda happy to find some company.

I’m not ready to go to sleep. I’m not ready for tomorrow to come. Each new day that comes makes it more real, more painful, more permanent.

“ _Are you okay?”_ She asks.

I’m not. I shake my head as I let my tears pour on my cheeks.

“ _No.”_ I tell her and she immediately gets up to wraps my arms around me.

“ _I’m not okay mom.”_ I continue, crying in her arms.

I can still pretend to be angry at Justin, but the truth is I’m angry at myself more than anything. He used to be my friend and at some point I just let my jealousy take over.

Now he’s gone and I realize how much time I’ve lost being mad, being angry, at him and everyone else.

**JESSICA**

“ _Didn’t think you would have made it this far.”_

I’m in front of Liberty.Still not alone.

“ _What was it? Uhm… I wish you were dead. Looks like your wish came true Jess.”_

Just shut up. I know what I said.

“ _I’m just curious. Do you still think I’m the bad guy?”_

You are.

“ _Really? Because it seems like you played a huge role in this. You played a really big role in both of our deaths actually. He came to you to apologize and you just send him away. Kinda like what you did to me.”_

Shut up.

“ _You abandon him like everyone else so he disappears. He leaves, alone, hurt and all this leads to now. If only that was the only time you let him down. No, you did it again and again and… now you can’t anymore.”_

Shut up.

“ _But then, even when you pretended to be here for him, were you really? Where were you these past few months?”_

I bring my hands to cover my ears. I need him to stop talking.

“ _That’s adorable. You know you can’t stop me right? I’m inside your own head.”_

I can’t, but I can keep walking, so I do, hoping he’ll just disappear at some point.

“ _I get it. It’s easier to hate me than to hate yourself for it, but… you do realize I’m dead right? I wasn’t here. You were. So why didn’t you do anything?”_

There’s nothing I could have done.There isn’t.

“ _You knew he wasn’t doing well. You knew he relapsed. You saw the lesion on his neck.”_

I pick up the pace, thinking somehow it’s going to change something.

“ _You really don’t know when to open that mouth.”_

I couldn’t have change anything.

“ _You could have gone to the Jensen’s. He could have seen a doctor earlier. One week. Maybe things would be different.”_

It was too late already.

“ _You could have talked to him. Asked him. Helped him. Now it’s too late. Why didn’t you?”_

It was too late already.

“ _Was it? You just felt so guilty about Diego that you didn’t confront him about it. You saw the lesion.”_

I didn’t. I… I don’t know what I saw.

“ _Now you just feel even more guilty and you should.”_

He claps his hands.

“ _You managed to let him down one last time after all.”_

I was wrong. I still haven’t reached the limits of tears you can try in a day. I’m starting to realize there might be no limit.

“ _And he thought he ruined your life?”_

Stop.

“ _And you thought I ruined your life?”_

Stop.

**CHARLIE**

Alex left a while ago. He said he didn’t want his parents to worry about him being gone from his house, but I know this was a lie. I know he doesn’t like to listen to us talk about Justin because he feels guilty.

We all do in some ways.

Zach and I didn’t have more to say at some point, so we decided to watch a movie, but I can’t stop thinking about it, about him and him being gone.

“ _Have you… do you know what you’re gonna say at the funeral?”_ Zach asks.

Zach can’t stop thinking about it either apparently.

“ _I think I’m going to talk about what he means to me… what he meant.”_ I correct myself.

Maybe I shouldn’t. He’ll continue to mean a lot to me.

Zach scoffs.

“ _I can’t do that. I don’t even know where to begin to explain that, to find the words to explain how I feel about this and what he means to me.”_

“ _Maybe you can share a memory, something you experienced together.”_ I try to help.

“ _Those are mostly awful, painful and horrible stuff. And...”_

He takes a second and clears his throat before he continues.

“ _And it’s even more painful to think about the happy ones.”_ He admits.

“ _You went through a lot together.”_ I point out with a sad nod.

I’m feeling so sad and I can’t even imagine how Zach must feel right now. He knew him longer than I did.

“ _You suffered a little with us.”_ Zach tells me with a small smile.

I offer him one in return.

“ _Kerba really put us through hell sometimes.”_ He continues, a smile still on his face.

“ _When you said awful memories, I had other things in mind.”_ I tell him jokingly.

“ _We’ve been through worse than that for sure. I don’t know… it’s just something that came to mind.”_ Zach shrugs.

“ _What do you remember about it?”_ I push him a little.

“ _Morning workouts. I think Justin hated those the most.”_ Zach tells me.

I notice his smile. It looks like he did find a happy memory after all.

“ _He would complain so much.”_ He remembers with a chuckle.

“ _Maybe that’s a start.”_ I point out.

He looks at me, lost, and I regret it. I don’t want to say it, to let this happy moment being crushed by reality, this sad reality, but it’s already gone, so I say it.

“ _Maybe you can talk about that at his funeral.”_

He nods sadly, but he doesn’t say anything else.

The moment is gone.

Just like Justin is.

Gone. 

**JESSICA**

Maybe I’m going insane. After everything, it wouldn’t be surprising, but I’m afraid.

I’m afraid this is actually the point of no return for me.

This is it, this world broke me. My soul, my heart, my mind… and I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of how far things could go, how far I could go.

As I keep walking, he’s still there, following me, reminding me how responsible I am for this, how many mistakes I’ve made and how I’ll never be able to fix them.

I’m afraid and I feel the need to be around people right now.

Just… anyone.

Just in case.

I see Rosie’s sign when I arrive at the corner of the street. Open 24/7.

I keep ignoring him as I reach the dinner. I open the door and enter as fast as I can, hoping to escape him.

When the door closes behind me, I feel relieved for a second. He’s gone.

Pretty quickly though I realize this was a mistake.

Music, people, laughter,… life.

Too much of it.

In a second it’s like I’m drowning, unable to catch my breath, unable to save myself.

I could stay, try harder, push myself and be free from him, even for a few more seconds.

I could leave and catch my breath.

The waitress behind the counter looks at me.

It’s like I’m drowning in the middle of this dinner, being there, in the middle of everybody else’s world, but I don’t belong anymore. It’s not my world anymore and I don’t know how to breathe in this one.

I can’t catch my breath and it’s probably the only thing I should keep doing now, just try to keep breathing, keep living, so I leave, as fast as I arrived.

I run outside, panting, barely surviving, trying my best to come up for some air.

It works.

I sit on the sidewalk.

I’m breathing again, but I’m not alone anymore.

Leave.

“ _I can’t do that Jess.”_

Leave me alone.

Of course he doesn’t.

Why is Bryce here?

He’s there, right there, seated down next to me.

Why is he here?

I don’t want him. I don’t wanna be stuck with him.

I get up and resume my walk through town.

I can’t stay there, under his stare.

I walk faster and faster.

I can’t stand him looking at me.

I begin to run.

I can’t stand looking at him.

It works, I don’t see him anymore.

“ _Where to now?”_

I can still hear him.

I begin to run with a destination in mind.

“ _Why?”_ Bryce tells me once I arrive at my destination.

I ignore him as I walk to the door.

“ _He’s not here Jess.”_

I kneel down to get the key.

“ _This is such a bad idea.”_

I turn the key and open the door.

Even though I ran here, my breath stops as I enter the room.

I gasp.

“ _What the hell are we doing here?”_

Why the hell are you still here?

Why are you here?

Why isn’t…

“ _Justin!_ ” I call out.

It looks like I found something to shut him up.

“ _Justin!”_ I plea.

Bryce looks at me with pity.

I’m pathetic.

“ _Justiiinnn!”_ I try again, and again, and again.

It’s not fair.

“ _Justiiinnn!”_

Why is Bryce here?

_“Why aren’t you here?”_ I ask, angry, fed up, tired, broken, … everything at once.

“ _Jess.”_ Bryce tries to stop me.

“ _Why can’t you just be here?… I need you.”_

“ _He won’t come Jess.”_

“ _I hate you for leaving me! Why am I stuck in here with Bryce? Why won’t you come for me? Why can’t you be here for me? Why is he here? Why aren’t you?”_ I cry out, tears rolling down my cheeks in a torrent, chasing each other until they reach the floor.

“ _Come on! Come on Justin!”_ I continue, letting everything I have left in me pour out. All the anger. All the hurt.

“ _You need to stop.”_ Bryce’s tone is quite sharp.

“ _Why are you still here?”_ I return in the same tone.

“ _Because you have to face it Jessica.”_

“ _Face what?”_ I ask in a broken voice.

“ _Reality.”_

I open my mouth, lost.

“ _He’s not coming back.”_ He adds.

“ _Why are you?”_

I don’t understand.

“ _I’m not. You’re all alone in here Jess.”_ He says in a sad shrug.

I’m alone in the outhouse.

I’m alone in Justin’s bedroom.

I have to face it. Reality.

“ _He’s not coming back.”_ I tell myself in a breath, repeating the words I was trying so hard to push to the back of my mind.

“ _He’s gone.”_ I continue in a shaky voice as my heart beats faster and faster.

“ _Oh my god.”_ I let out in a gasp, the words hitting me.

“ _Justin’s gone.”_ I add, breaking down, completely.

The world stops as I let myself fall to the floor.

I sit on my knee and cry out everything that’s left in me, everything that’s left of me.

This is where the world ends.

It feels like it.

No future.

Nothing left.


	6. Promises

**CLAY**

I sit down on my bed in a quick motion, gasping for air.

Nightmares. They are back.

This is the worst one I ever had.

Justin, his bed being rolled away in the hospital’s hallway as Jessica screams his name.

Nightmare. Reality. It’s all the same now.

At least I’ve slept a little.

I sit on my bed and let my feet reach the floor.

I don’t want to risk going back to sleep.

I don’t want to face this world either.

This after, this now.

I get up and leave the room.

I’m surprised the house is so quiet when I arrive downstairs.

I enter the kitchen and notice the note on the table.

“ _We had to leave to take care of something. We’ll be back for lunch. Call us if you need anything. We love you.”_

Take care of something? They aren’t usually this vague.

This has to be about Justin.

His… his funeral.

Maybe.

I feel guilty for not even knowing. This is about my…

I feel like I should know. I should care more.

I should have.

I open a cabinet to find something to eat. Cereals. I pick up the box and places it on the table. My eyes land on his chair. The one where he sat with us before school and every night, where we shared meals and had many, many discussions.

I shake my head, pick up the box from the table and leave to the living-room. I sit on the couch and open the box. My mom would flip if she saw me eating from the box like that, without using a bowl, but does any of this really matter anymore? Why does it? Why do we let all these insignificant things mean so much to us? I reach for the remote and turn the TV on. I realize I didn’t even know what day it was before now.

I sit there and I eat cereals. Something I should be doing with Justin right now. Something we used to do. Something we did. Not much. Not enough. It makes me angry. All this time lost.

I get up and place the box back where I took it, my appetite quickly gone.

I run upstairs to take a shower before I have to face again this empty fucking chair.

When I arrive downstairs after my shower, I’m relieved to hear the door-bell. I had no idea what to do with myself. I still don’t.

Maybe I won’t have to.

I open the door and Alex offers me a sympathetic smile.

“ _Hey Clay.”_

“ _Hi.”_ I return, letting him inside.

“ _Where are your parents?”_

“ _I…_ _I don’t know.”_ I tell him as I sit on the couch.

“ _You’re okay being alone right now?”_

“ _I’m not okay anyway so...”_ I shrug.

He nods.

“ _Did you come here to check in on me?”_

I hope he didn’t. I don’t want my friends to pity me, or worse, to think I’m going to act as insanely as I have lately.

“ _Yes, but I also wanted to talk to you about something.”_

“ _What?”_

“ _I… do you know about Jess?”_

“ _What about Jess?”_

“ _She’s not doing well.”_

“ _Is anyone?”_ I ask in a scoff.

“ _I guess not, but maybe you should talk to her.”_

“ _Why me?”_

“ _You’re the only one who loved Justin just as much as she did.”_

“ _Is that supposed to make any of it better?”_

“ _Maybe. I don’t know. I just… I just know she needs to talk to someone and I feel like you can understand what she’s going through.”_

“ _Did you try to talk to to her?”_

“ _I did. So did her parents.”_

“ _What did she say?”_

“ _Nothing.”_

“ _She probably has nothing to say and honestly I don’t blame her.”_

“ _No. She… she didn’t even say a word since we left the hospital Clay.”_

I’m surprised and at the same time I’m not. I’ve spend the last few days realizing I didn’t have anything to say. Maybe she’s right not to waste her breath.

“ _I’m not sure I can help. How? I can’t bring… I can’t reverse time.”_ I tell Alex.

“ _I know, but… I just feel helpless and…there’s something about their relationship that you knew, that you understood and I never did.”_ He explains, taking out something from his pocket.

He hands it to me. I close my eyes when I recognize it. Painful memory.

“ _I can’t bring him back this time.”_ I let out.

This truth, this crushing truth.

“ _You can’t, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do.”_

I shake my head.

It does.

The only think I want, the only thing Jessica wants, the only thing that would make everything right again is Justin being there.

“ _Maybe it would help you too to talk t_ _o_ _her.”_

“ _How? What can I say to change this? To make this better?”_

“ _Is this why you won’t speak at his funeral?”_

“ _Yeah. There’s… there’s no making it better. It’s death. It’s… final. Over.”_

“ _You’re right, but we’re still here. Still alive and somehow we’re gonna have to find a way to survive this.”_

“ _It’s easy for you to say. You hated him didn’t you?”_ I lash out. Of course this is easy for him.

“ _I...”_

“ _You did!”_

“ _No! I didn’t hate him. I didn’t love him either, but… At the end of the day, he was there for me and I was there for him. I saved his life once, just like he saved mine. Our relationship was complicated, but… he was a part of my life. I guess now that he’s gone I realize how much he was.”_

I’m surprised this is affecting him this much.

“ _You have a lot more to say about him than I do apparently.”_ I point out.

“ _I don’t, but unlike you I’m honest about it. I face my feelings. Maybe you should.”_

Is he serious? Did he really come here to tell me how I should act or feel right now?

“ _You should go.”_

“ _Clay, I’m just trying to help you. I’m saying this as a friend. I came here as a friend. For you. For Jess.”_

“ _So what do you want?”_

“ _I want us to find a way to do this. To survive this. Together. Right now you and Jess are cutting yourselves from the world and I get it, but maybe we should face this together instead. All of us.”_

He looks at me, waiting for an answer, but I don’t have one.

We should, but right now it feels like it can’t be done. This can’t be survived.

“ _Just… call me if you need anything.”_ He tells me in a sigh as he goes to the door.

As he’s about to open it, my parents barge in, in a hurry and they look anxious.

“ _Is everything okay?”_ I ask as I get up, terrified by the look on their faces.

**ALEX**

Something happened, something bad, based on the look on the Jensen’s faces. What can be worse than all of this already is?

“ _Clay, honey, have you heard anything from Jessica?”_ Lainie asks.

Clay looks at me, realizing I was serious.

“ _No, I… I haven’t talked to her since the hospital.”_

“ _I haven’t either since last night.”_ I tell them when they turn to look at me.

“ _What is it?”_ Clay asks.

“ _Her parents called us. She’s gone.”_ Matt informs us.

“ _Gone?”_ I ask.

“ _She left the house. She wasn’t in her bed when they woke up this morning.”_ Lainie explains.

“ _I can try to call...”_ Clay suggests.

“ _She doesn’t have her phone with her.”_ I cut him off, remembering seeing it crushed at the bottom of her closet door yesterday.

“ _Is it possible she just left to get some air? Maybe she’ll be back soon.”_ Clay tells us and I get it, he hasn’t seen her since it happened.

“ _Even if she just left to get some air, I’m telling you, she really shouldn’t be alone right now.”_ I point out.

“ _Do you know where her parents should search for her?”_ Matt asks.

“ _We… we’ll do it.”_ Clay suggests, looking at me.

“ _We can find her together right?”_ He adds.

I offer him a thankful nod. I’m glad to see the old Clay back.

**Ani**

I’m still living with Tony. After prom, I was supposed to move back in with Jessica, but it didn’t feel appropriate to bring it up with everything going on. I realize I should have. I could have tried to help her, instead of hiding in here. Tony and I are having lunch together in silence. We’re the two worst friends possible. Clay and Jessica are going through something awful and we avoid it, we avoid them. Not because we don’t care, but because it’s just too much. Too much to handle. For us and for everyone. To be fair, I’ve tried to talk to Jessica, but she didn’t want to see me. I figured she would text me back once she felt ready to talk. She hasn’t yet. Tony went to see Clay and even though he got him to talk, it didn’t help much either. Sometimes I guess there’s nothing you can do. So we sit here in silence, having lunch together, hoping someday we’ll find a way to help them. My phone vibrates on the table with a text. So does Tony’s. Maybe this is it, maybe there’s something we can do now.

“ _It’s from Clay.”_ Tony tells me, having picked up his phone before I did.

I take mine and read the text.

> Clay: _GORDON LIG_ _H_ _TFOOT!!! No one knows where Jessica is. Do you have any idea where we should search for her?_

I look up at Tony with dread and he shakes his head.

“ _No fucking clue.”_ He tells me.

I wish I had one, but I don’t. I have some ideas, but it’s probably nothing Clay wouldn’t think of himself.

“ _What do we do?”_ I ask Tony.

He shrugs. He’s as lost as I am, as lost as we’ve both been these past few days.

**ALEX**

“ _Nothing. Not one single idea.”_ Clay tells me a couple minutes after he send the text as we’re driving around town.

“ _We’ve tried every road in this shitty ass town!”_ Clay lets out, angry.

“ _We’ll find her okay?”_ I reassure him.

“ _What if she left?”_

“ _Left?”_

“ _Town. She could be really far by now.”_

“ _Jess didn’t leave town.”_

“ _How can you be so sure? You’re the one who came to me because she wasn’t doing well.”_

“ _She isn’t. You aren’t. None of us are! That doesn’t mean she left. She wouldn’t do that.”_

I don’t know if I’m convinced, but I don’t want to think it might be true.

I saw it in her eyes that night at the hospital. She didn’t want to be there anymore.

“ _Why wouldn’t she? What did this town ever did for her?”_

Clay’s right. She moved in here and since then it has been hardship after hardship, but that’s not all it was.

“ _She met all of us here, including Justin.”_

“ _And she lost him here.”_

“ _And you lost Hannah. That doesn’t mean this is all this town means to you.”_

I don’t get any response from Clay. I shouldn’t have mentioned her. We keep driving in silence. From time to time he gives me an update from Jessica’s parents or his own.

She’s still nowhere to be found.

**CLAY**

“ _Pull over.”_ I tell Alex, a new idea coming to me.

“ _What?”_

“ _It’s getting late. We should split up. I can keep going on foot.”_

“ _I think we should stay together.”_

“ _Listen, we’ll cover more ground this way.”_

I see Alex needs more convincing.

“ _And if we do find her, it’s best if we don’t gang up on her anyway.”_

He slows down the car.

“ _You’re not going far without a car.”_ He points out.

“ _Tony and Ani are driving around. So are Zach and Charlie, my parents, her dad, you… I can walk through town again.”_

**ALEX**

I stop the car, but I’m not sure leaving him alone is a good idea. It won’t help if he disappears too.

“ _Are you sure you’re okay on your own?”_

“ _Yeah, I… I know where to look.”_ He answer as he opens the door.

“ _Where?”_

“ _Where it all started.”_ He tells me as he walks away.

For a minute I hesitate. Should I force him back into the car or let him try?

But I trust him. I asked for his help today and he’s doing it now. It’s Clay and I have to believe he knows what he’s doing.

**CLAY**

It takes me almost twenty minutes to get there.Why didn’t I just ask Alex to drop me here?

Because I didn’t want him to think this was about me, about me going insane. It’s not. It’s about me feeling like this is the place where I’ll get all my answers, where I’ll understand this. Maybe Jessica feels the same way. Maybe she needs answers just as much as I do right now.

The place where it all started. Hannah’s old house.

When I arrive in front of it, I remember seeing Justin and Zach arriving together at the party that night. It brings a small smile to my face. God, he was a dumb jock sometimes. They both were.

My phone rings with a new text.

> _Mom: Your father is still looking for her, but I came home. If you feel like this is too much, just come home honey. No one will blame you if this is too hard._

I will. I’ll blame myself if I give up. This is actually not too much. This is what I need. To be there for my friends, to help them. This is what always helped me.

> _Clay: I’m fine mom. I’ll check a few more places and I’ll be home._

Jessica isn’t here, but I still think following the tapes might be a good idea. Maybe I should try school.

I get there in about ten minutes and for the first time I realize I actually feel the cold against my skin again. I’m not as numb as I’ve been lately. Maybe it’s worse, feeling it, all of it.

No Jessica.

If I continue with this path, it’s going to bring me all over town.

I need a car.

**LAINIE**

“ _Don’t worry Noelle. Matt really wants to help. So does Clay.”_

_\- - -_

“ _Okay. Thank you.”_

I hang up the phone in a sigh. I don’t like being alone in this kitchen. I don’t like Clay being out there, but he’s with Alex and I trust them to look after each other.

I hear the sound of a car door opening in the driveway.

I run outside.

“ _What are you doing? Where’s Alex?”_ I ask Clay when I see him enter his car.

“ _We split up.”_

I don’t understand.

“ _Where are you going?”_

“ _I’m gonna keep looking for her, mom.”_

“ _I can come with you. Just give me a second to grab my phone.”_

“ _I’m fine.”_

“ _Are you Clay?”_

“ _We need to find her.”_

I can hear the despair in his voice and I decide to sit with him.

“ _We will. I promise.”_

He scoffs before he looks at me with anger.

“ _You promised that before.”_ His words are harsh.

“ _Clay...”_ I let my sentence fall. I don’t know what he means.

“ _You said you’d help him mom.”_

Guilt. I remember that day outside the courthouse. Clay begged me to help Justin and I did, but not enough. I let him down. I didn’t keep this promise.

“ _I tried. I’m sorry I failed.”_ I admit in a broken voice.

“ _I’m sorry too.”_ Clay says in a breath.

“ _You have nothing to apologize for.”_

He’s right. I should have done more. My job as a parent is to protect my children at all cost, and I didn’t.

“ _Not for… I’m sorry for ever bringing Justin into our lives.”_ Clay lets out.

It kills me that Clay feels any kind of guilt for this. I take his hand to force him to look at me because he needs to hear this.

“ _Don’t ever apologize for this. You gave me a son I loved more than anything. You gave Justin the family he deserved more than anything and never got. You made this family feel whole. You did exactly what you should have done.”_

“ _Was it worth it?”_

“ _Would you give up the time you got with him to prevent the pain you’re feeling now?”_

Clay shakes his head, regretting his words.

“ _It just… hurts… so much mom.”_ He says in a sob.

I bring him into my arms, trying to comfort him as much as I can.

“ _It hurts this much because you loved him that much and so did he. He loved you so much Clay.”_

“ _I miss him.”_ He says in a breath as he lays his head on my shoulder.

“ _I miss him too.”_ I admit, letting my tears spill on my cheek.

We’re interrupted by Clay’s phone ringing.

He lets go of me to answer it.

\- - -

“ _No I haven’t found her yet, but I’ll keep searching.”_

_\- - -_

“ _I got home to take my car.”_

_\- - -_

He nods before he hangs up as he’s wiping his tears away.

“ _I need to keep searching mom.”_

“ _You don’t need..._ _”_

“ _I need to do this for him. I promised him I would look after her. I want to hold on to that promise okay?”_

“ _Just… don’t be gone all night. If you don’t find her in the next hour, just come home and your dad will join you okay?”_

I understand why he needs to do that so I get out of the car and I let him leave.

**CLAY**

Eisenhower park.

I had no idea where all of this was going when I listened to Justin’s tape here. I sure as hell didn’t think it would lead to me looking for Jessica all around town after…

She’s here. I found her. She’s seated on the same bench I was when I was listening to the first tape.

She looks awful, pale, fragile, broken, exhausted, but she’s alive.

> _Clay: Found her. She’s fine. You can tell her parents I’ll stay with her for now._


	7. Fear & Hope

**CLAY**

“ _Eisenhower park. That must mean you’re about ready for side two.”_

Jessica’s startled by my voice breaking the silence.

“ _It’s what Tony told me when he found me here when I was listening to the tape.”_ I explain as I make my way to sit next to her.

A small smile appears on her face, but I see the tears on her cheeks.

“ _A lot of people were looking for you all day.”_

She shrugs, her eyes fixated on the slide, like they’ve been since I got here.

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say a word, hoping she’ll say something eventually.

I look at her, trying to get an idea of what is going through her mind.

“ _Are you hurt?”_ I ask when I notice the blood on her sleeve.

She looks at me and I point towards it.

She uncrosses her arms and apparently she didn’t even know she was bleeding, based on the way she’s looking at her hand.

**JESSICA**

I look at my bleeding hand, wondering how it happened.

My room, my mirror, all these pieces of shattered glass on the floor… I must have cut my hand trying to look for the post-card in the dark.

As I look at the blood on my hand, I realize this post-card may not be the only thing Justin left me with.

Damn it. Damn blood. Damn virus.

Clay moves next to me and I realize he tries to reach for my arm.

I shake my head with fear, crossing my arms again.

I see the same fear in Clay’s eyes. He understands. He gets why this might be a problem… or is already… I don’t know yet.

“ _Here.”_

He offers me a tissue.

I take it from him with a thankful nod and wrap it around my hand as best as I can.

“ _I’ve been thinking about Hannah and the tapes a lot these past few days too.”_ Clay tells me.

I look at him, waiting for him to go on.

“ _So when we run out of places to look for you, I figured this was worth a shot.”_

**CLAY**

She doesn’t say anything, but I feel like she might. She’s listening to me and maybe at some point she’ll open up.

I’m trying to do that right now, open up and it’s actually nice to do so with someone who won’t judge me and who will just listen.

“ _I tried her old house first.”_ I say with a chuckle, remembering Justin and Zach’s arrival at the party.

“ _It’s too bad you didn’t witness Zach and Justin acting like idiots that night. I for sure won’t forget the two of them rolling around in the grass, completely soaked.”_

She chuckles.

“ _Then I went to school.”_

I fall silent for a few seconds.

“ _Alex told me they put flowers at his locker.”_

She shakes her head.

“ _It’s ridiculous right? They didn’t do anything for him before and now they act like they actually cared.”_

She nods slightly.

“ _Alex is really worried about you.”_ I let out, hoping she’ll finally say something if I’m more direct.

She nods and drops her head, guilty.

“ _Don’t worry. I’ve been an ass with him as well, but he said something pretty smart actually.”_

She looks back up at me, so I explain.

“ _We need to find a way to face and survive this together.”_

“ _How?”_ She finally asks in a sad shrug and a broken voice.

“ _I don’t know.”_ I admit in a breath.

The silence is back. This is what we’re both struggling with, finding a way to face this. My eyes land back to the slide. Hannah. The tapes. Everything we faced and survived in the past.

“ _Come on.”_ I tell her as I get up, an idea forming in my mind.

She looks at me and I can see she’s afraid.

“ _I won’t bring you home.”_ I explain, knowing she doesn’t want to go back to her house just yet, just like I don’t wanna go back to mine right now.

She gives me a puzzled look.

“ _Trust me.”_

She gives me a nod before she gets up and follows me to the car.

**JESSICA**

We’re driving, where I don’t know, but it weirdly feels nice to be in Clay’s car with him right now. Not only am I not alone anymore, but I’m with the only person who might be hurting just as much as I am.

I’m not afraid anymore of what I might do or say, not after everything we’ve already been through together, not after we cried in each others arms countless times before in the past. I’m comfortable, for the first time, since…

I close my eyes.

I’m sort of hoping he won’t stop, that he’ll keep driving us around for hours and hours, with only the sound of the motor filing the silence in the car. Because I feel safe right now, I feel alive and I can finally breathe again.

The car stops and I slowly open my eyes, wondering where we are. I don’t recognize the place. Maybe because it’s still so dark outside, maybe because we’re somewhere I’ve never been to before.

“ _Come on.”_ Clay tells me, exiting the car.

I’m starting to be afraid again, afraid to get out, afraid to face the night, the cold… too coward to face anything lately apparently.

**CLAY**

Jessica doesn’t exit the car, so I walk to her side and open the door.

When she doesn’t immediately exit, I go to the trunk to grab flashlights.

As I do, I see her getting up from her seat.

I close the car and start walking towards our destination, giving her one of the flashlights.

“ _Don’t worry. We’re not going that far. It turns out it’s a pretty short walk if you take the right path.”_ I tell her, knowing it might seem weird to take her here, in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

After a few minutes of walking in silence we arrive at the top of the rock Tony took me to a while ago, or more-so forced me to climb with him.

I realize she only said one word to me since I found her.

_How?_

A question I don’t have the answer to.

I sit on the ground, inviting her with a gesture to do the same.

“ _How do you feel?”_ I try.

Silence, as expected.

“ _Earlier, you asked me how we’re supposed to survive this. I don’t know either, but… We won’t figure this out unless we try. So… I feel… lost and… sad. Angry. Guilty. Exhausted. I feel too much and not enough at the same time.”_

I stop to look at her, to see if she’s at least listening to me.

She is, so I continue.

“ _I’ve been thinking about the past a lot because somehow I feel like it’s going to help me make sense of this, but it doesn’t. I’m not sure there is any sense to this. He should be alive and… he’s just not anymore. Why? For that I can point fingers and… and I did. I blame myself, I blamed my parents, I blame his shitty mom and her fucking boyfriends, Bryce and Hannah and I even… I even blamed him. Maybe it’s the only way I really have to explain it, but I know it’s not fair. Not entirely at least because we’re all responsible for this, all of us, as a society, as a world. This world let him down. And… I hate the fact that I’m part of this world. I hate the fact that I’m one of the reason why he’s gone. I am. Justin was living with me and...”_

I stop for a second, trying to avoid crying again tonight.

“ _We all could have done more, but… it’s too late now. We’re left to face it and it’s fucking hard because… we really did love him and it’s sad to realize it wasn’t enough. It’s sad to realize we didn’t love him enough or… I don’t know. Why didn’t we do more for him?”_

I regret my words. I don’t wanna sound like I’m blaming her, based on the look on her face, she already does, but she seems to understand me, what I mean.

“ _I miss him. Every second, every minute of everyday. No matter what I’m doing, I always think ‘I would be doing that with Justin right now and now I can’t. I won’t. Never again.’ Losing Jeff was hard, losing Hannah was harder, but losing Justin… it just feels insurmountable. I can’t picture the future, any future, without him. He was… he is… he’s my brother and he’s gone forever.”_

I stop talking, having said everything that was in my mind and inside my heart, hoping Jess will do the same right now, but she stays silent, the tears still rolling down her cheeks slowly in a constant rhythm.

“ _You have to talk to me Jess. I know it’s not easy to find the words to explain what you’re feeling, but you have to try.”_

She opens her mouth, ready to say something… but she gives up and her lips find their way back to each other again.

“ _You know why I was so desperate to find you?”_

She looks at me, surprised I think. I figure.

“ _I was desperate. Not only because I care about you and I wanted to make sure you were still alive somewhere, but because I have to hold on to a promise I made. A promise I made to Justin, that I’ll take care of you and make sure you’ll be happy again someday. So, please, I beg you, help me out here. I don’t want to break this promise. Tell me what you feel, what you need, anything I can do to help you.”_

I plea, wanting to find a way for her to survive this, just as much for herself than this is about Justin and myself.

“ _You’re not happy and you won’t be happy for a wile. I know I can’t help much, but you can talk to me. You can tell me how you feel and maybe together we’ll find a way to at least survive this, even it’s the only thing we can do right now.”_

Her silence is getting more and more frustrating for me.

“ _What do you think he’d say if he saw you like that? Do you think he wants...”_

“ _Stop!”_ She suddenly cuts me off, getting up abruptly.

I’m surprised by her broken voice and her words echoing around us.

“ _He doesn’t want anything anymore! He’s dead! Gone! Don’t pretend he’s still here, somewhere, anywhere, because he’s not! If he wanted to see me happy he had one job. He needed to stay alive! All he had to do was to stay alive! You can’t help me Clay. Alex can’t help me. The one person I loved more than anything, the one person I loved more than myself died! He died and he’s not coming back like you said. So why bother? You want to help me? Bring him back to life! Can you do that?”_

**JESSICA**

I stop talking when I see Clay’s reaction and the tears my rant brought to his face.He’s the silent one now.

“ _I’m s...”_

Clay brings his hand up to stop me.

“ _Don’t apologize. This is what I asked for.”_

“ _For me to lash out at you?”_ I ask with a sad chuckle, my voice still broken by all the yelling I’ve done.

“ _For you to open up to me.”_

“ _You got it easier than Alex. I think.”_ I point out, sitting back next to him, too exhausted, physically and mentally to stay up.

“ _What happened?”_

“ _I lashed out, destroyed my bedroom and everything I could get my hands on. I was just… so angry at everything and everyone. He tried to calm me down and it made me even angrier. Why was he there when the only person I wanted to see was gone? So… I pushed him away. Again and again until he got a hold on me and then… I don’t really remember. I woke up in my bed later, alone.”_

Clay doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t judge and I appreciate it.

“ _I might be even crazier than you are after all. I wish I didn’t do any of this because now that I think about it… I destroyed my bedroom because I was angry at Justin for being gone and everything in that room reminded me of him, so I destroyed it, thinking it would help me feel better.”_ I say in a chuckle.

“ _I forbid my parents to enter the outhouse. I don’t want them to touch anything or change anything and when Zach and Alex came over to see me, I had to restrain myself from yelling at them… because they dared to sit on the couch in my bedroom.”_ Clay tells me.

**CLAY**

“ _Aren’t we a pair?”_ Jessica jokes and I offer her an understanding smile.

“ _We don’t deserve them and… Justin deserved better.”_ She continues, her eyes settling on the horizon.

I remember something I didn’t think about until this quiet moment.

“ _Are you still angry at him for being gone?”_ I ask.

She shakes her head before she looks at me.

“ _I’m not sure I ever was, but it’s easier. Easier to be angry at him than to face how much I still love him and how much I miss him.”_

“ _Do you regret tearing up the post-card?”_

“ _How do you know?”_

I sigh as I take it out of my pocket.

**JESSICA**

My trembling hands reach for it and a smile comes to my face. I thought this was lost for good, I lost all hope to ever finding it again and now it’s here.

“ _Do you know what I thought of when I received this?”_

“ _Clearly you cared about it if you kept it.”_

“ _It gave me hope. Hope he was still somewhere in the world. Hope he was still a part of my world. Hope our story wasn’t over.”_

I take a second to control the tremor in my voice.

“ _Now it is and it feels like there’s no hope anymore you know? How do you keep going when you lost all hope?”_

“ _I don’t know.”_

**CLAY**

I wish I had some answers for both of us, but I don’t. If Tony was here, I’m sure he’ll have something very profound to tell us. I remember feeling the same way as I do now a while ago. Tony was there that time to help. Today it’s my turn to do the same for Jess. I’ll honor my promise to Justin, like Tony honored his promise to Hannah by bringing me here.

“ _Get up.”_ I tell her as I do so myself.

She looks at me, surprised by my sudden energy.

I hold out my hand to help her up and she takes it.

“ _Do you still trust me?”_ I ask, as we’re standing facing each other, our hands still intertwined.

“ _Always.”_ She responds with a small smile.

“ _Then follow my lead.”_ I tell her as I pivot to face the horizon.

“ _Fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkkk!”_ I yell into the void, as loud as I can.

She scoffs, surprised, but my response is a nod, inviting her to do the same.

“ _Now you get all shy and refuse to yell and swear?”_ I tease her.

She rolls her eyes at me and I have to admit I actually missed this.

“ _I’ll do it with you.”_ I offer her as I pivot again to face the horizon.

“ _Fuuuuccckkkkk!”_ I yell once again, but this time she yells with me.

Once we do, we share a look and we understand each other without a word.

We yell, again and again into the void, as loud as we can. After the first two times, we don’t yell a word anymore, we yell our pain, our anger, our grief, our loss.

**JESSICA**

“ _Thank you.”_ I tell Clay once we sit inside his car again.

He offers me a sympathetic smile.

“ _Is it too much if I ask for a favor?”_ I ask him.

“ _It’s not.”_

“ _I don’t want to go home. Can I stay with you? Just for the night.”_

“ _I don’t want to go back to mine either, but I’m sure it will be easier if I’m not alone.”_ Clay responds as he starts the car.

“ _It’s best if we don’t do this alone.”_ I acknowledge with a nod.

**MATT**

I argued with Lainie for hours for her to accept to go to sleep. I know how much she worries about Clay, but she needs to rest. She spent the last few days doing everything she could to make sure Justin’s funeral would be worthy of the person he was and it’s been pretty hard to do so. This boy, my boy… he went through and survived so much, until he couldn’t, until his body gave up and he couldn’t do anything anymore to fight back. I admired him so much, not only for always finding the strength to face those struggles, but for doing so with a smile always on his face, never complaining and doing everything he could to help everyone around him while doing so. This is how I want everyone to remember him and this is how I will. My amazing son, his courage and relentlessness. He tried so hard, until the end. He gave his all to survive as long as he could, but it wasn’t enough and it’s what makes it harder. Justin wanted to live, he wanted a future. My eyes dart to the chair next to me. He was sitting right there when he found out he was going to college. He was so surprised, surprised he did it, that all of his efforts paid of. He couldn’t believe it, but I knew, I knew he could, I had faith in him and I was so damn proud. He’ll never go. Tomorrow we’re burying him. How could things have gone this wrong in such little time? A few weeks, a few days… it changed everything. I hear Lainie sigh loudly with relief next to me when the door opens.

“ _Hi.”_ Jessica offers us in a low voice, probably a little ashamed knowing all of us where looking for her all day.

“ _I’m glad you’re okay.”_ Lainie gets up and wraps her arms around her.

Clay and I share an understanding look. Everyone is relieved.

I get up to get closer to them, almost to make sure she’s really here, really safe.

“ _Honey, are you hurt?”_ My wife asks her, her fingers brushing over the blood on her sweater.

“ _It’s nothing. Just a little cut.”_ Jessica explains, showing her hand.

“ _Come on. I’ll help you clean it up.”_ Lainie offers, placing her arm around Jessica’s shoulders as she pushes her upstairs.

Clay begins to follow them.

“ _Clay. Come here for a second.”_ I stop him.

Clay takes a few steps back towards me.

“ _I’m proud of you Clay.”_

“ _Dad it’s okay, you don’t need...”_

“ _I do.”_ I cut him off.

“ _Your friends are lucky to have someone like you in their lives. You always do everything you can to help them.”_

“ _That’s not true.”_ He tells me in a scoff.

“ _It is. You found Jessica today and… two years ago you found Jus...”_

“ _Can you...”_ Clay cuts me off this time.

“ _Can we not talk about this? It’s been a long day.”_

“ _Sure, but I need you to know that I am proud of the man you’re becoming and I love you son.” _

“ _I love you too dad.”_

He turns around to join Jessica upstairs, but for some reason he doesn’t. He stops walking and turns to look at me.

“ _You’re a good dad, dad.”_ He offers me with a smile.

I offer him a thankful nod, really thankful to hear those words, words I’m not sure I deserve, but words that lift up the guilt, even a little, even for a few seconds.

**CLAY**

I sit down on my old bed with a sigh. God, this day has been long. I’m exhausted, but somehow… relaxed. A weird feeling to have, something I almost feel guilty for feeling.

Jessica slowly opens the door to join me.

“ _Sorry about my mom. She can be over-protecting.”_ I tell her without thinking.

Once the words leave my mouth, we both have the same thought and I understand that when Jessica nods sadly as she joins me on my bed.

“ _There’s no way she could have known.”_ She tells me with a shrug.

“ _There’s no way any of us could have known.”_ I respond, trying to set me free from this guilt I’m feeling.

“ _I could have.”_ Jessica tells me.

“ _Jess.”_ I stop her. She didn’t. She can’t blame herself.

“ _I could and it’s okay. I mean… I have to face it. He told me all about his time on the streets a long time ago. I could have…”_

She lets her sentence fall. Yes, she could have done more, like all of us.

“ _He refused testing.”_ I tell her. That’s the thing that could have changed it all. He had an option, but he chose not to take it.

“ _I don’t understand why.”_ I add, knowing where my anger at him is coming from.

“ _He was scared.”_ Jessica tells me.

“ _He spend his life being scared.”_ She adds, her eyes drifting towards the couch.

“ _Maybe that’s why we shouldn’t be. Maybe if there’s one thing we should learn from this it’s this. The only way to keep surviving is to face our fears.”_ She continues.

“ _So there’s a sense to this?”_ I ask her.

“ _No, there’s no sense. It’s just… something to learn I guess.”_

We both fall silent again.

“ _You don’t like being here do you?”_ She asks after a few seconds.

“ _I really don’t.”_ I answer in a sigh, dropping my head into my hands, this fucking couch always in my sight.

“ _You’ve helped me a lot tonight. Maybe I should return the favor.”_ She offers, getting up from my bed.

“ _There’s no need to destroy the room.”_ I tell her.

“ _Really funny Clay. I had something else in mind.”_

I shake my head, not understanding.

“ _Come on. I know a place open 24/7 where all sort of troubled kids are allowed.”_

I don’t need much convincing, so I get up and we leave the house together.

**ALEX**

I’m lying in my bed, unable to sleep. Tomorrow we’ll say goodbye to Justin forever. Tomorrow’s my chance to have the goodbye we never had. I think about everything I wished I told him before.

The door to my bedroom opens and I sit up on my bed, surprised to have any visit at this hour. When I see the two people entering my bedroom, I lie back down, relieved.

Clay and Jessica lie down next to me on my bed, one each side of me.

We don’t need words anymore between us to understand one another and I know it’s Jessica’s way to apologize when she grabs my hand and gives me a small smile.

For a while, we just stay lying on our backs in silence, looking at the ceiling.

“ _We survived today. I’m not sure if I’ll survive tomorrow.”_ Jessica lets out eventually.

“ _You will.”_ I reassure her.

“ _We all will.”_ I add, turning my head to Clay.

A few more seconds of silence, before Clay breaks it.

“ _Do you want to talk?”_

He asks, his head turned towards me.

“ _What?”_

“ _Tomorrow.”_ He tells me, before he looks back up at the ceiling.

“ _I think you have a lot to say.”_ He adds.

“ _I’m not sure I’m...”_

I don’t know how to say it. I was a jerk to him, a lot. I don’t deserve to do this.

“ _You are.”_ Jess intervenes before I find a respectful way to phrase it.

“ _You did more to honor him since he’s gone than we did. You took care of us.”_ Clay tells me.

“ _I didn’t do that for him.”_

Jessica shoves me in the ribs, not as hard as she could, thankfully.

“ _I know he’s happy someone’s doing it. He loved the two of you so much.”_ I continue.

“ _More than life.”_ I hear Jessica’s murmur and it breaks my heart.

“ _Then do this for us. Give the speech we can’t. Be strong for us tomorrow.”_ Clay suggests.

“ _What do you want me to say?”_ I ask.

“ _Whatever you feel like. I know you’ll find the words.”_ Jessica tells me.

“ _Are you sure?”_ I ask her. She witnessed first-hand over the years my jealousy and my anger at her boyfriend.

She nods.

I turn to look at Clay and he gives me the same one.

“ _Okay. I’ll do this for both of you and… and for Justin too.”_

I look back up at the ceiling, Jessica and Clay doing the same, all of us dreading tomorrow, thinking about who we lost. A friend, a son, a brother, a lover, a team-mate.

The boy who deserved the world and never got a chance to enjoy it. The boy we ended up loving more than we could ever imagine we would. Justin Foley, the one we’ll have to say our last goodbye to tomorrow.


	8. Bring me something

**A FEW MONTHS DOWN THE ROAD**

“ _You don’t write. You don’t call. It’s a shame this is where I have to come to talk to you.”_ Clay tells Jessica as he arrives by her side.

“ _Hey Clay.”_ She turns to greet him, extending her arms to hug him.

“ _You know you can talk to me whenever, wherever, but you can call too.”_

“ _I know. Sorry.”_ He offers her.

“ _Don’t worry. I know it feels good to be away from it all sometimes.”_

“ _So… why did you come back to Evergreen for Thanksgiving?”_

“ _It feels good to be here sometimes too.”_ She answers with a shrug.

“ _Where are you staying?”_

“ _The Standall’s.”_

“ _Good. This is where I told my parents I’d be. You can be a part of my alibi.”_

“ _Is this why you’re carrying this pie?”_ Jessica asks jokingly.

“ _Sort of._ _It was the only way I could explain leaving the house with it.”_

“ _You should probably have left that in your car.”_ She points out.

“ _No, it’s… I actually meant to bring it here.”_ He explains, placing it on the ground.

Jessica offers him a puzzled look.

“ _It was his favorite.”_ He explains with a sad smile, sitting down on the ground, in front of Justin’s grave.

Jessica does too.

“ _After his funeral, my mom made this pie every other day. At first I thought this was a way for her to remember him and to grieve, but at some point I realized she thought it was my favorite and she wanted to make me happy so she kept making it. To be fair, I told her it was my favorite.”_

“ _Why?”_

“ _Last Thanksgiving, Justin couldn’t get enough of it and he couldn’t shut up about how good it tasted either.”_ Clay remembers with a chuckle.

“ _I knew he would never ask my mom for it, ever, so I went to my mom and told her this was my all time favorite recipe and she should do it every holiday and every birthday from now on.”_

“ _That’s really sweet of you.”_

“ _Yeah, well, now every-time I come back from College for the week-end, I have to sit and eat it, not saying a word, with a smile on my face.”_

“ _Why don’t you tell her the story?”_

“ _Because she does this to make me happy and it would kill her to know how much it actually hurts me. I don’t want to add to her pain.”_

“ _Isn’t it adding to your pain?”_

Clay shrugs.

“ _Are your parents here too?”_ He asks.

“ _No, they don’t think it’s a good idea for me to come here.”_

“ _Evergreen or here?”_

“ _Both. They think the best thing I could do is to move on and I get they want me to be happy, but it’s not something that’s going to happen in the blink of an eye. I know it would be easier for them, but not for me.”_

“ _You have to grieve in your own time.”_

“ _Yeah and they definitely don’t get that.”_

“ _Any pie you’re forced to eat with a smile?”_

“ _A dress they washed without asking me.”_

Clay shakes his head, confused.

“ _My prom dress. When I came home from the hospital the next day I took it off, but I didn’t wash it or anything. I just put it in the back of my closet. I didn’t want to look at it and when we packed the house, my parents took care of most of the things left in my bedroom. A few weeks after we moved, when I opened my closet, here it was, in the middle of my clothes, the tag from the dry-cleaner still on.”_

“ _Can’t you just get rid of it?”_

“ _No, the problem wasn’t that it was there again. The problem is...”_ She takes a deep breath before she admits it.

“ _The problem is that now it’s clean. I know it sounds pathetic and probably shows how much I need to move on, but… I could still smell his perfume on it and sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep I would take it out of my closet and lie in bed holding on to it and it made me feel safer, like he was still next to me. Now it’s clean and I’m afraid I’ll forget this, his smell.”_

“ _You won’t forget him.”_ Clay reassures her.

“ _I know.”_ Jessica responds with a smile.

“ _You remember last Thanksgiving?”_

“ _We said we deserved happiness.”_ Jessica nods.

“ _You said that.”_ Clay jokes.

“ _You agreed.”_ Jessica retorts.

“ _I did. We do need some fucking happiness.”_ Clay says in a sigh.

“ _I’m not sure you do. Letting a perfectly good pie go to waste like that, Justin’s favorite pie nonetheless, it shouldn't go unpunished.”_ She jokes.

“ _Why don’t you take it to the Standall’s then?”_

“ _I was messing with you. It’s a pretty sweet thing to do.”_

“ _Yeah, but you’re right, it shouldn’t go to waste. I don’t wanna risk him coming back to haunt me because of this.”_ Clay jokes which causes Jessica to chuckle.

“ _Okay.”_ She says, getting up as she grabs the pie.

“ _But maybe we should still leave him a piece.”_

“ _How are we going to...”_ Clay begins to ask, but stops when he sees Jessica taking out a pocket knife.

“ _Only you walks around with a knife in your pocket.”_ Clay teases her.

“ _Never too safe.”_ She comments, giving Clay the knife while she holds the pie.

He cuts out a piece and places it at the bottom of the graves stone.

“ _I’ll leave you to whatever you two have to talk about. I’ll see you later I hope.”_ Jessica tells him with a smile as she begins to walk away.

“ _Come over later. I have something for you.”_

Jessica nods and walks away.

**A FEW HOURS LATER**

“ _Clay?”_ Jessica calls, entering the Jensen’s.

Clay runs down from the stairs.

“ _How was the pie?”_ He asks as he walks toward the backyard.

“ _Fucking amazing. No wonder Justin liked it that much.”_

Jessica’s smile falls when she realize they’re going to the outhouse. Clay doesn’t see it, but she stops walking in the middle of the yard. She hasn’t been in there since before his funeral, the night she came here looking for him, desperately hoping he could come back to her somehow.

“ _Jess.”_ Clay takes her out of her thoughts, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“ _You don’t have to come inside with me.”_

“ _No, it’s okay. I just need a minute.”_

She takes a deep breathe and gives him a nod, she’s ready.

Clay opens the door and they enter together. Clay then opens the closet and looks through it. Jessica stands in the middle of the room, looking around at all the little things she forgot about this place. She sees his shoes, his backpack, his books,…

“ _I don’t know if this is a good idea, but...”_ He tells her, handing her something protected by a dust cover.

She walks up to him and grabs it. She hangs it on a piece of furniture and proceeds to open the bag. Tears appears in her eyes as soon as she recognize the jacket Justin was wearing the night of prom.

“ _Was it a bad idea?”_ Clay asks, worried by the look on her face as her fingers brush the fabric.

“ _No, I… I don’t know.”_ She admits, not able to describe how she feels right now.

“ _It’s… thank you.”_ She offers him with a smile.

“ _As you know I forbid my parents to touch anything in here and I still haven’t lifted the rule so it means this hasn’t been washed yet.”_

Jessica nods, a tear escaping her eyes and making its way down her cheek.

“ _I didn’t forget his perfume.”_ She points out with a smile, relieved it’s still something she can hold on to for now.

“ _It’s your_ _s_ _if you want to.”_

Jessica shakes her head.

“ _As much as I want to, this jacket comes with the most awful of memory.”_

“ _You can pick whatever you want.”_ Clay offers with a shrug, still determined to hold on to his promise to Justin.

“ _Are you sure you’re supposed to enable this?”_ Jessica asks jokingly.

“ _No one can tell us how to deal with our grief.”_ Clay responds.

Jessica agrees with a thankful nod and looks around the room, wondering if she should take something and if so, what is the one thing she wants to keep from him.

All kinds of memories come back to her as she looks around at everything Justin owned, all in this one room. Her eyes settle on what she was hoping to find. It’s just resting on the back of the couch. He must have taken it off and thrown it there after a long day at school. She walks up to it, gently picks it up before she holds it tightly against her, dropping her head to smell it.

“ _This is perfect.”_ She says with a smile, happy to have this.

“ _His old Liberty Tiger’s hoodie it is.”_ Clay says.

Jessica offers him a thankful nod.

“ _Thank you Clay, for everything.”_ She adds, wrapping him into a hug.

“ _You’re welcome.”_

“ _How about a coffee from Monet’s as a thank you? I could text Chalex.”_

“ _Chalex?”_ Clay asks, weirded out.

“ _Charlie and Alex. Keep up Clay.”_ She teases him as they walk toward the exit.

“ _Only if you pay.”_

“ _That’s kinda the deal.”_

“ _What about… Tyla… or is it Ester?”_

“ _You suck at this.”_

They exit the outhouse laughing, ready to join their friends at Monet’s. Something they did a year ago. Something they’ll have to do without him now even though he’s still a part of all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next one are bonus chapters. They don't take place before the funeral, but after graduation, after what we see at the end of the show.


	9. To take this pain away

Clay takes the two folding chairs out of his car, the cemetery's guardian offering him a smile, used to witness what has now become a tradition.

He installs both of them and sits down, waiting for the person he became used to share Thanksgiving afternoons with.

After a few minutes he wonders if she’s going to show up. He never wondered before, but their lives have changed a lot the past few years and maybe this year he’s the only one who showed up, maybe this is the year Jessica chose to move on completely and leave the past behind. The question came up a few times before, if they would eventually stop coming here every Thanksgiving, but they kept coming, year after year, for the previous ten years.

Maybe this is a good thing, maybe she found happiness and doesn’t feel the need to be here now and chooses instead to spend time with the people she loves, the people who are still here, still alive. He looks at his brother’s name on the gravestone with a smile.

“ _I guess your wish came true, she found happiness again.”_ He comments.

A part of him is relieved, but the other is disappointed, until he hears her footsteps approaching.

“ _I was scared you were going to ditch me.”_ He tells her.

“ _And miss spending Thanksgiving in a graveyard? Never.”_ She jokes, sitting down on the chair next to him.

“ _I was kinda relieved to be honest.”_

“ _Sorry?”_ Jessica offers, a little confused.

“ _I’m glad you’re here, but… a little part of me thought maybe you not showing up meant you moved on.”_

“ _I have… for the most part. I mean… it’s been ten years so yeah, I had to move on, but… I’ll never fully… move on if that makes sense?”_

Clay nods, understanding this perfectly.

“ _How’s Heidi?”_ Jessica asks him.

“ _She’s good. How’s...”_

“ _Michael?”_ Jessica finishes his question.

“ _That didn’t last long.”_ She responds.

“ _I thought things were going well? He seemed like a really nice guy.”_

“ _He is, but...”_

“ _He’s not Justin.”_ Clay finishes her thought.

“ _I know I may never feel what I felt for him with anyone else and that’s fine with me, but I don’t want to settle either you know?”_

“ _Maybe that’s your problem, trying to find what you had with him?”_

“ _I’m not. Maybe I was in the beginning, but I’m not anymore.”_

“ _So what do you want?”_

“ _To be happy.”_ She says in a shrug.

“ _Are you?”_

“ _Most of the time. You?”_

“ _Most of the time.”_

“ _I’m happy to be single. I have an amazing family and great friends and I just don’t need to be in a relationship.”_

“ _I wasn’t judging Jess, you’re free to do what you want.”_

“ _I know, I’m just saying. People don’t understand that, that you can be perfectly happy like this.”_

“ _You seem a little defensive over the subject.”_ Clay points out.

Jessica scoffs.

“ _I am. To be honest… If things didn’t work out with Michael it’s because I haven’t moved on as much as I’d like to admit.”_

“ _The both of us… I don’t think we’ll ever fully move on from this, but we do need to let go.”_

“ _I know and I’m trying. I try everyday to let him go, to move on, to accept I’ll never have this, this life with him, but I can’t help it and...”_

She sighs before she continues.

“ _Every morning when I wake up, I don’t open my eyes immediately. I stay in my bed with my eyes closed for just one minute and I think about it, about what it would be like, if I opened my eyes and he was there, lying next to me. For a minute I imagine he is and I think about the life we could have together, how we would spend our day and… I know it won’t happen, I know he’s never going to be there once I finally open my eyes, but as long as this life I’ll never have with him seems more real than the life I could have with anyone else, I know I’m not missing anything. I know my life is as good as it can be. For now it is. For now I’m good with what I have to settle for. Once I feel like this isn’t enough anymore and that I need more, I’ll look for more.”_

Clay looks at her with sadness and a hint of pity. It’s not fair that she’ll have to settle for the life she has, but in some ways everyone is, including him. This is their life, all they can do is accept it.

“ _Jeez, don’t look at me like that, I’m fine okay?”_ Jessica tells Clay, worried he’s going to worry about her now.

“ _Justin took a part of my heart with him when he left and I’ll spend the rest of my life with a chipped one, but it’s still a working one and it does the job to keep me alive, which is more than enough.”_ She reassures him.

“ _Is it?”_

“ _It is.”_ She tells him with a smile.

“ _Speaking of love, don’t you think it’s time you propose to Heidi?”_

“ _I tried.”_

“ _Tried?”_ Jessica asks in a chuckle.

“ _It’s a long story.”_

“ _Okay then hold on, I forgot something in my car.”_ Jessica stops him as she gets up.

Clay watches her running to her car.

“ _She’s getting there. I think she really is happy, but I won’t let her settle and I’ll try my best to make sure she gets the life she wants. She won’t get a lifetime with her one true love, but she’ll get the life she deserves I promise you Justin.”_ Clay tells his brother.

“ _I hope this is alright, but I thought… since it’s been five years since you finally told your mom the truth...”_ Jessica explains once she gets back, holding something in her hands behind her back.

Clay looks at her expectantly.

She reveals a pie.

“ _Weirdly enough, I kinda missed the taste of this.”_ He responds in a chuckle.

“ _Good thing it’s been five years since you’ve had a bite of this, because I’m far from a good cook and I’m sure it’s not as good as your mom’s.”_ Jessica tells him, sitting next to him, handing him a fork.

Clay plants his fork in the pie and tries it.

“ _She had years of practice, I’m sure you’ll get there.”_ Clay gives his verdict.

“ _Is it really that bad?”_ Jessica worries, taking a bite herself.

“ _It’s really good.”_ Clay admits in a chuckle.

“ _It is right?”_ Jessica is surprised by her own abilities.

“ _Do you think you can cook another one for me?”_ Clay asks.

“ _One pie isn’t enough?”_

“ _Maybe you could hide a ring in this one?”_ Clay suggests.

“ _Oh my god. No Clay, I’m not letting you propose to Heidi by hiding the ring in a desert.”_

“ _They do it all the time in movies don’t they?”_

“ _Yeah they do, and it usually doesn’t work and it’s cheesy and kitsch and… Heidi deserves better. No wonder you screwed this up before.”_

“ _Hey! I didn’t screw it up. I never actually got to ask.”_ He defends himself, threatening Jess with his fork.

“ _Okay, so explain, because I’m sure this is a story worth hearing.”_ She teases him.

Clay begins to explain the three times he tried to propose to Heidi in the past few weeks. They spend the next hour laughing, enjoying their afternoon together and setting up a plan for a magical proposal.

Things have changed a lot the past few years, but they still come here each Thanksgiving to spend their afternoon together and they wouldn’t do it anywhere else because this way they feel like not only they are sharing it together, but that Justin is also there with them, sharing their life, the good and the bad, but there, still laughing with them, crying with them and alive within them both. He is and he’ll always be, he’ll always be alive in them.

After a few hours, Clay leaves and Jessica stays at Justin’s grave, feeling the need to share a few words with him.

After she waves Clay’s goodbye, she turns to look at his grave.

“ _I thought you would have thaught him better than that. Your brother should have more game.”_ She jokes.

“ _But you did taught him a lot and probably things a lot more important than that.”_ She adds with a smile.

“ _He’s doing better. He’s doing good actually, but don’t worry, I promise you I’ll keep looking after him.”_

She sits down on the grass, knowing she still has a thousand things she wants to say.

“ _Can you believe he’s going to get married?”_

Her smile falls as she begins to play with the grass.

“ _A while ago you told me you wanted us to be together, forever. I lashed out at you, telling you it was crazy to think things would just be okay, that we would get married and live happily ever after…”_

She shakes her head, mad at herself for ever saying this.

“ _I wish I was wrong.”_ She admits.

“ _After ten years, I would still give up everything for happily ever after with you or even… just one more day.”_

Her phones vibrates in her pocket. She takes it out and sees it’s a notification from one of the dating apps she’s on.

“ _Well, that’s awkward.”_ She jokes.

She’s about to put her phone back in her pocket when something catches her eyes.

She opens the profile of the guy she just matched with and she can’t believe it. In the background of the picture, there he is, Justin.

“ _How is that...”_ She doesn’t understand, so she looks at the picture closely, trying to make sens of it and she recognizes the place. This was taken during a game senior year. The guy in the picture is seated on the bleachers and you can clearly see Justin in the background, standing on the field.

“ _This is really subtle, even for you.”_ Jessica says with a smile, looking up at the sky.

She shakes her head, swipes right and puts her phone back in her pocket.

“ _It’s still Thanksgiving so I’m spending the rest of my afternoon with you.”_


End file.
